Edward 40 Hands III: Jean van de Velde Invitational

Lake Geneva—Surprise, surprise, Ben won again. A masterful, 36-hole display of ball-striking concluded May 20 at dusk with Ben Anderson three-peating as E40H champ, and everyone else swearing under their breath.

Tom Trieloff parlayed a Hogan-esque move and clutch putting into a 17-hole bare-knuckle boxing match against Anderson, only to be TKO'd 2&1 on the 17th.

Everyone else basically hacked.

Nonetheless, great times were had. Foes were bested. Pink eye was avoided. And Payne will spend another year gathering dust on Ben's friggin' mantle.

For those that didn't have the honor of attending, or failed to qualify, the following is a free-association, slightly coded, word map that acts as recap of our trip third, bi-annual gathering of the greatest guys/worst golfers in the game.

• Camel hair.
• Boots.
• 19, not 23.
• No Snoop Dogg. Denied.
• Pink eye.
• Visor.
• Martin the van driver.
• 4 a.m. missed calls.
• Itty-bitty-titty committee.
• Pre-range puke.
• No I will not exchange my water park bands for free rounds of golf, thank you very much.
• Hit a house. No, not literally.
• History is made: Quadruple Bogey-Eagle.
• Hogan-esque swing.
• No way you found that ball.
• All 6s/7s
• Duck bacon.
• "Here comes!"
• Thanks, Greg.
• Ty Ku.
• 190-yard, elevated 4-iron over trees to a tucked pin. NBD.
• Tiger club drop.
• Wrong ball dilemma.
• Eagle dunk.
• 3-peat.
• Good times.

 And a few choice (unattributed) direct quotes ...

"Does anyone else think this 'club' feels like a shitty wedding reception?"

"Tensions were running high at the E40H." 

"Dude! I've got the shakes. Do you have the shakes right now?" 

"That's totally not fair. I've had 3 vodka shots and a beer in the last three holes. I am not doing a shot of Southern Comfort." 

"Ty Ku... what is this perfume? I don't know... try drinking it." 

"She sent me a bikini pic. Nice! Yeah, she has three kids. We might hang out."